Acceptance

It seems that everytime I start to feel like I'm getting a grip on where I'm at in my life, something happens to shake my convictions, which were so sure earlier. They always seem so sure... And then life happens. As you all know, I recently revealed my homosexuality (I hate saying "I came out." Don't ask me why.) So far I have been accepted and embraced by my family and friends, for whom I am so very grateful. In fact, this is the point of this particular entry: to outline and show just how important acceptance really is.

I am at a place in my life where I am finally happy with me, I'm ok with who I am. I wouldn't trade me for the world. :) But it wasn't always that way.

While I am finally happy now, it took a long time to get there. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried over this issue; how misunderstanding and good intentions broke my heart time after time. I cannot possibly describe to people the immense amount of guilt I grappled with. It was even to the point where if I had a dream about someone I liked, I felt so guilty when I woke up, even though I knew I couldn't control that. I can't tell you how many times I had searched the scriptures, hoping to suddenly hear "God's" voice telling me that I wasn't "going to hell." Every night when I prayed, I would quickly ask "do I need to go to the Bishop," and without actually listening, I would try to anticipate the answer. I would quickly say "no, I'm ok." But always in the back of my mind was the gnawing feeling that I wasn't "clean," or "worthy." I was, quite simply, an ucler-in-waiting. I became well acquainted with my nerves, who seemed to never leave me in peace.

If it hadn't been for my parents, I would most likely be (1), abusing any substance to take my mind off the pain or (2), dead. I wish people understood how important acceptance is, especially from family. Teenage suicide is not something that's done on a whim; it's something that slowly creeps up in their minds, a warm and friendly voice that falsely promises relief. I am so eternally grateful for my family. I know at times it's hard for them to discuss or even hear me talk about it, but the fact that they do listen and have accepted me, means the entire world to me. I owe who I am to my parents and family. I love them so fully and completely and I know they love me so fully and completely.

Sadly, it took me a looooooooong time to believe that my Heavenly Father and Brother love me. It's still something I grapple with, as well as an over-sensitive conscience. But right now I am at a point in my life where all I can do is be the best person I can be. I hope that I'll be able to help others with their burdens and that I'll be able to show the love and compassion that my parents have shown me.

Every burden is difficult. I still feel bad for one of my sisters who grappled so hard with weight issues; it was something that daily consumed her life. I remember watching her shed many tears over it. I hope she doesn't grapple with it anymore, I love her dearly. I think she's one of the most beautiful people I know. And I can't imagine dealing with what she dealt with; at least with my homosexuality, I'm used to it. It's something that, although difficult, I've become quite familiar with, as it likes to remind me with the occasional stomach flip that comes along with having my crushes.

How many lives could be saved, or at least made brighter by people accepting everyone? I know mine was.

Thank you, Mongy and Daddy-O. I love you both.

Kelsey :)