This post will be short and sweet; I just wanted to really quickly thank a few people who've really helped me in my life.
Even though we don't talk anymore, I'd like to thank my old friends Ashley and Monica. They were among some of the first people I told, and they helped me to have confidence in myself. So thank you both, it means a lot to me.
Kevin - I love you. :) Thanks for being an ear for me to vent to and for being so supportive of me. You're an amazing guy.
Goolia - You were the first friend I ever told. You were shocked (and I'm grinning as I write this) but you were just like "Oh... Ok, so..? I'll always be your friend, this doesn't change anything." That means the world to me. You're an amazing person and you've helped me out so much. I love you. :)
Jessie - Oh Jessie... What can I say here? I guess I'll just start by saying "THANK YOU!" I think you're freaking amazing and I love the love you have for our church. I love your passion for it and for the Savior. Thank you for being a shoulder to lean on. :)
Anna/Elise - I can't really come up with the words to express how much I love you both. Along with Mongy and Daddy, you've both been loving examples of true acceptance. It's one of the most important things in the world to me. Scanna, Sleasy, I love you both, you booger-eating poop heads. :D
Bishop Smith - You were the first person I ever told (outside of my family). Your kindness and loving reaction was such a critical part in guiding me on my way to loving myself. Thank you.
Mongy/Pappy - You're the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I love you both. Thank you for Anna and Elise (even though I know I'm secretly your favorite). Thank you both for *everything* you've ever done for me and for all the love you've shown me. I wish everyone had parents like you. :)
To everyone else - I love you all. You're all very important to me.
Smelsey :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Expectations
I don't know why exactly, but I feel like my heart is on the verge of exploding with all the emotions that are inside of me. I'm filled with the desires of wanting to fly around the world in my cape and save everyone from their hurts and boo-boos. I'm filled with the angst of wanting to hold someone's hand and wanting to be the right person, at the right time, in the right place. Being this open is scary; I suppose people could ridicule me for laying my feelings out for everyone to see, but I'm tired of covering up. I also know that other people feel (or have felt) the same way I do.
To be honest, right now I'm torn between my desire to do what I think is right and my desire to love someone wholly and completely, to give myself to someone and let them love me or break me.
I love my church, it's a huge part of me. I know how it's made me feel and I love the feeling of... Contentment I get from it. I love experiencing the feeling that I can only describe as that quiet moment, when the only thing that seems to exist is a gentle, cool breeze and the sun, everything having ceased to exist for a moment in my mind. I call those my "spring moments" because I feel a sense of renewal. A sense of life beckoning me to live, to really live. Most of all, I feel a sense of peace that maybe this world isn't as terrible as I sometimes feel like it is.
But I must also admit that I'd love to know how it feels to hold someone's hand, to be the one that makes their stomach flip when I'm around. I'd like to experience the thrill of a new relationship and I'd love to be able to tell someone that I need them. I'd love for them to need me as well.
So that right there is the fine wire I'm balancing right now; life in my church (which I hold dear to me) or a life with companionship. Before I start to close my post here, I just want to leave people with this question...
Would you be willing to give up life (and all that it encompasses) with your significant other for your religion?
I'm not asking that out of bitterness, but because I want people to truly consider what's being asked of gay LDS people. People don't seem to understand that "celibacy" for a straight Mormon is different than for a gay Mormon. Celibacy for gay Mormons doesn't just entail no sexual relations, it also entails no hand holding, hugging, kissing, flirting or that deep, intimate and emotional bond with someone.
So I ask again; Would you be willing to give up life with your significant other?
Please don't confuse my asking this question or my explanations as me doubting my church; I do believe in and love my religion. I just want people to get a glimpse of the balancing act that gay Mormons experience.
I know this post was rather... Gushy and probably really uncomfortable for many to read (if any do). Maybe it even comes off as melodramatic and cheesy. But that's ok, because I'd rather lay my feelings on the line than keep holding them inside.
Kelsey :)
To be honest, right now I'm torn between my desire to do what I think is right and my desire to love someone wholly and completely, to give myself to someone and let them love me or break me.
I love my church, it's a huge part of me. I know how it's made me feel and I love the feeling of... Contentment I get from it. I love experiencing the feeling that I can only describe as that quiet moment, when the only thing that seems to exist is a gentle, cool breeze and the sun, everything having ceased to exist for a moment in my mind. I call those my "spring moments" because I feel a sense of renewal. A sense of life beckoning me to live, to really live. Most of all, I feel a sense of peace that maybe this world isn't as terrible as I sometimes feel like it is.
But I must also admit that I'd love to know how it feels to hold someone's hand, to be the one that makes their stomach flip when I'm around. I'd like to experience the thrill of a new relationship and I'd love to be able to tell someone that I need them. I'd love for them to need me as well.
So that right there is the fine wire I'm balancing right now; life in my church (which I hold dear to me) or a life with companionship. Before I start to close my post here, I just want to leave people with this question...
Would you be willing to give up life (and all that it encompasses) with your significant other for your religion?
I'm not asking that out of bitterness, but because I want people to truly consider what's being asked of gay LDS people. People don't seem to understand that "celibacy" for a straight Mormon is different than for a gay Mormon. Celibacy for gay Mormons doesn't just entail no sexual relations, it also entails no hand holding, hugging, kissing, flirting or that deep, intimate and emotional bond with someone.
So I ask again; Would you be willing to give up life with your significant other?
Please don't confuse my asking this question or my explanations as me doubting my church; I do believe in and love my religion. I just want people to get a glimpse of the balancing act that gay Mormons experience.
I know this post was rather... Gushy and probably really uncomfortable for many to read (if any do). Maybe it even comes off as melodramatic and cheesy. But that's ok, because I'd rather lay my feelings on the line than keep holding them inside.
Kelsey :)
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