Wow... It's been a while...

Sometimes I feel really strong. I feel like I can go through life and take whatever it throws at me. And sometimes, I feel like just sleeping. I'm at the "I just want to sleep" stage right now.

I guess this post will just be about what I'm tired of right now.

I'm tired of seeing idiot people hurting each other.

I'm tired of seeing the world go to pieces because people think of only themselves.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough. To anyone.

I'm tired of fighting my attractions in a world where love is celebrated/mentioned in almost every form, whether it's in books, music, tv, etc.

I'm tired of liking someone and them not liking me back.

I'm just tired.

I know this post was rather depressing, and it probably sounds like I'm complaining (which I am), but... I'm just tired.

I can't help but feel just a little resentful towards the prospect of either being alone and in my church or being with someone and being out of my church. Why can't I have both?? I love my church. But I'd be lying if I said that I was strong with this.

I'm tired.

Kelsey

For My Grammy and Grampy

So the following poem isn't the most polished poem I've written, but it's done. I'm not adding or removing anything from it, as it's very personal to me. I know it's rough in some places, but at the moment those were the only words I could use to capture the emotions I was feeling. It's simple, hard, rough and how I felt.

To Grandpa and Grandma, I love you both!!

17, so young and sweet, life still has so much in store, but for now he's content as he's never been before...

25 and he's still in love with the one who's stolen his heart, he's been thanking God at every day's start...

31 and he's been around the block a few times with the missus (and children), he's been working hard to care for all of them...

43, his body is catching up to him as it's starting to ache, but even with pains growing, his spirit will never break...

65 and more years to come, he's still in love with his only one...

There's a candle that's been burning for them both, they're still in love but one was called home...

87 and his love has just left and he's lost without being found. She's a beautiful lady who's still with us all...

But who can blame him for being so empty..?
He's still in love, and I'm glad to know that when it's time, she's the first one he'll see...

Kelsey :)

:)

This post will be short and sweet; I just wanted to really quickly thank a few people who've really helped me in my life.

Even though we don't talk anymore, I'd like to thank my old friends Ashley and Monica. They were among some of the first people I told, and they helped me to have confidence in myself. So thank you both, it means a lot to me.

Kevin - I love you. :) Thanks for being an ear for me to vent to and for being so supportive of me. You're an amazing guy.

Goolia - You were the first friend I ever told. You were shocked (and I'm grinning as I write this) but you were just like "Oh... Ok, so..? I'll always be your friend, this doesn't change anything." That means the world to me. You're an amazing person and you've helped me out so much. I love you. :)

Jessie - Oh Jessie... What can I say here? I guess I'll just start by saying "THANK YOU!" I think you're freaking amazing and I love the love you have for our church. I love your passion for it and for the Savior. Thank you for being a shoulder to lean on. :)

Anna/Elise - I can't really come up with the words to express how much I love you both. Along with Mongy and Daddy, you've both been loving examples of true acceptance. It's one of the most important things in the world to me. Scanna, Sleasy, I love you both, you booger-eating poop heads. :D

Bishop Smith - You were the first person I ever told (outside of my family). Your kindness and loving reaction was such a critical part in guiding me on my way to loving myself. Thank you.

Mongy/Pappy - You're the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I love you both. Thank you for Anna and Elise (even though I know I'm secretly your favorite). Thank you both for *everything* you've ever done for me and for all the love you've shown me. I wish everyone had parents like you. :)

To everyone else - I love you all. You're all very important to me.

Smelsey :)

Expectations

I don't know why exactly, but I feel like my heart is on the verge of exploding with all the emotions that are inside of me. I'm filled with the desires of wanting to fly around the world in my cape and save everyone from their hurts and boo-boos. I'm filled with the angst of wanting to hold someone's hand and wanting to be the right person, at the right time, in the right place. Being this open is scary; I suppose people could ridicule me for laying my feelings out for everyone to see, but I'm tired of covering up. I also know that other people feel (or have felt) the same way I do.

To be honest, right now I'm torn between my desire to do what I think is right and my desire to love someone wholly and completely, to give myself to someone and let them love me or break me.

I love my church, it's a huge part of me. I know how it's made me feel and I love the feeling of... Contentment I get from it. I love experiencing the feeling that I can only describe as that quiet moment, when the only thing that seems to exist is a gentle, cool breeze and the sun, everything having ceased to exist for a moment in my mind. I call those my "spring moments" because I feel a sense of renewal. A sense of life beckoning me to live, to really live. Most of all, I feel a sense of peace that maybe this world isn't as terrible as I sometimes feel like it is.

But I must also admit that I'd love to know how it feels to hold someone's hand, to be the one that makes their stomach flip when I'm around. I'd like to experience the thrill of a new relationship and I'd love to be able to tell someone that I need them. I'd love for them to need me as well.

So that right there is the fine wire I'm balancing right now; life in my church (which I hold dear to me) or a life with companionship. Before I start to close my post here, I just want to leave people with this question...

Would you be willing to give up life (and all that it encompasses) with your significant other for your religion?

I'm not asking that out of bitterness, but because I want people to truly consider what's being asked of gay LDS people. People don't seem to understand that "celibacy" for a straight Mormon is different than for a gay Mormon. Celibacy for gay Mormons doesn't just entail no sexual relations, it also entails no hand holding, hugging, kissing, flirting or that deep, intimate and emotional bond with someone.

So I ask again; Would you be willing to give up life with your significant other?

Please don't confuse my asking this question or my explanations as me doubting my church; I do believe in and love my religion. I just want people to get a glimpse of the balancing act that gay Mormons experience.

I know this post was rather... Gushy and probably really uncomfortable for many to read (if any do). Maybe it even comes off as melodramatic and cheesy. But that's ok, because I'd rather lay my feelings on the line than keep holding them inside.

Kelsey :)

Acceptance

It seems that everytime I start to feel like I'm getting a grip on where I'm at in my life, something happens to shake my convictions, which were so sure earlier. They always seem so sure... And then life happens. As you all know, I recently revealed my homosexuality (I hate saying "I came out." Don't ask me why.) So far I have been accepted and embraced by my family and friends, for whom I am so very grateful. In fact, this is the point of this particular entry: to outline and show just how important acceptance really is.

I am at a place in my life where I am finally happy with me, I'm ok with who I am. I wouldn't trade me for the world. :) But it wasn't always that way.

While I am finally happy now, it took a long time to get there. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried over this issue; how misunderstanding and good intentions broke my heart time after time. I cannot possibly describe to people the immense amount of guilt I grappled with. It was even to the point where if I had a dream about someone I liked, I felt so guilty when I woke up, even though I knew I couldn't control that. I can't tell you how many times I had searched the scriptures, hoping to suddenly hear "God's" voice telling me that I wasn't "going to hell." Every night when I prayed, I would quickly ask "do I need to go to the Bishop," and without actually listening, I would try to anticipate the answer. I would quickly say "no, I'm ok." But always in the back of my mind was the gnawing feeling that I wasn't "clean," or "worthy." I was, quite simply, an ucler-in-waiting. I became well acquainted with my nerves, who seemed to never leave me in peace.

If it hadn't been for my parents, I would most likely be (1), abusing any substance to take my mind off the pain or (2), dead. I wish people understood how important acceptance is, especially from family. Teenage suicide is not something that's done on a whim; it's something that slowly creeps up in their minds, a warm and friendly voice that falsely promises relief. I am so eternally grateful for my family. I know at times it's hard for them to discuss or even hear me talk about it, but the fact that they do listen and have accepted me, means the entire world to me. I owe who I am to my parents and family. I love them so fully and completely and I know they love me so fully and completely.

Sadly, it took me a looooooooong time to believe that my Heavenly Father and Brother love me. It's still something I grapple with, as well as an over-sensitive conscience. But right now I am at a point in my life where all I can do is be the best person I can be. I hope that I'll be able to help others with their burdens and that I'll be able to show the love and compassion that my parents have shown me.

Every burden is difficult. I still feel bad for one of my sisters who grappled so hard with weight issues; it was something that daily consumed her life. I remember watching her shed many tears over it. I hope she doesn't grapple with it anymore, I love her dearly. I think she's one of the most beautiful people I know. And I can't imagine dealing with what she dealt with; at least with my homosexuality, I'm used to it. It's something that, although difficult, I've become quite familiar with, as it likes to remind me with the occasional stomach flip that comes along with having my crushes.

How many lives could be saved, or at least made brighter by people accepting everyone? I know mine was.

Thank you, Mongy and Daddy-O. I love you both.

Kelsey :)

Hello...

My name is Kelsey and I am 21 years old. I have a wonderful family and I love my friends. I enjoy reading, writing, playing video games, *trying* to make other people laugh and (just in general) being a goofball. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I'm gay.

Since this is just the start of my blog here, I'll just start off at the beginning...

I can remember, even to this day, who my first crush was. Her name was Angela. I was in first grade and I didn't even know what being gay was, because being gay was just normal to me. I just knew I liked this girl who was in third grade. I didn't know I was different until a friend asked me who I liked and when I told her, she said "Ew, you're GAY??" I didn't know that there was supposed to be a "set" sexuality. I just knew that she liked a boy and I liked a girl. It's always been that way for me.

Growing up, I was pretty blissfully ignorant of what heterosexuality/homosexuality was. I had my crushes, but they were just the youthful, innocent ones that every child gets. I had a wonderful childhood, with parents who love me and friends that I enjoyed playing with. I loved playing the Nintendo 64 and loved creating things with Legos, and I hated anything girlie. I've always been comfortable with my body, but I never liked the frilly things my second oldest sister would wear, and I loathed flowery, pink clothing. I was a tomboy to a T. I still am (though I must admit, my attitude toward clothing has changed a bit. I still hate frilly things, but I also no longer throw a temper tantrum when I have to wear a dress, etc). :)

As I entered adolescence, my awareness began to change. I started to realize that (though I never fully acknowledged it) I was different. Even as these thoughts started to creep their way into my mind, I kept them at bay for a while, mostly by confiding in my mom and otherwise trying to convince myself that I wasn't "that way." In the LDS school that I went to, I remember having two very distinct crushes, but even with this evidence right in front of me, I still refused to acknowledge that I was different.

I was 14 the first time my homosexuality really hit me. I had heard a particular song by a female artist that just hit me. I remember me and my sister were painting my room blue and we had the radio going, where Michelle Branch's "Are You Happy Now" began and from the first notes, my heart was pounding. Her voice forced me to finally recognize that I am different. It seems silly now, at 21, but at the time, that was a huge moment in my life. My crush on Michelle Branch swept away a long time ago, crushed by an interview she'd done for Maxim Magazine. At the time, I didn't know what kind of magazine it was and when I went to read the interview, I was crushed because I thought she'd been disgusting. In a way, I felt betrayed. Silly, I know, but that's how I felt at the time.

From the moment I heard that song, I had a huge crush on her. I remember I would look at her fansite all the time, looking at all the photos. Looking back now, I know that was just a harmless crush, but at the time I felt so guilty for even looking at her website (though I never looked at innapropriate images of her or anyone else). To me, my looking at her website was the equivalent of me stealing something, or doing something else that causes guilt. I remember I used to pray to "God" to forgive me (while still never fully acknowledging that I was gay). I think the phrase I repeated the most was "Please forgive me Heavenly Father... I'm not that way." (The last part was more or less said to myself, to convince myself that I wasn't gay. That maybe if I'd repeated the words often enough, they'd somehow come true.)

Even while I still never fully acknowledged I was gay (I know I keep repeating that, but it's so crucial to my personal story), I felt guilty all the time. I was gross, filthy, a sinner and was most certainly going to hell. I was convinced that "God" hated me, and that nothing I did that was considered "right" or "righteous" would ever make up for that. I was, therefore, damned. Eternally. From the ages of 14-17, I was constantly wracked with guilt, my conscience working in over drive. I lived a hellish cycle that consisted of trying (unsuccessfully) to ignore my conscience, finally breaking down and then confiding in my mother (who, when I look back, I know now was right) and who then would try to reassure me that I wasn't, indeed, going to hell and then I would have a few, very short lived days of happiness, at which point guilt and doubt would begin to gnaw on my mind. My friends didn't know it, but I was depressed. Feeling like you're constantly fighting a battle with "God" for your soul (and knowing you're losing) was pretty heavy stuff for me to go through. All the while this was happening, I had come to the conclusion that no one could know about this and that I was entirely alone. Out of everything I've gone through, I think that's what makes me saddest, the thought that I was truly and utterly alone, left to carry this burden by myself.

And that is why I wanted to start this blog, so that people would know that they're not alone. You are never alone.

Anyways, when I was 17, I was being interviewed by a church member who extended a calling to me. As I was about to accept, an explosion of guilt surged its way into the pit of my stomach. He had asked "Are there any sins or transgressions that should be taken care of?" and I sat there stunned. Usually I was able to wave away the feeling of uncleanliness when being interviewed by my Bishops (I *hated* those interviews!), but this time the feeling of unworthiness broke over me in waves, settling in my stomach and heart. I knew I had to tell my Bishop, who would be the first person I told (outside of my parents). Shakily, I "confessed" that I was attracted to other girls. I expected an unrelenting torrent of disgust and shame, followed by him telling me that I need to "repent." I recieved the exact opposite. To this day I believe that that particular Bishop (and my parents) saved my life. At first he was a little shocked, but not in an unkind way. He said that he still loved me and that what I went through wasn't as uncommon as I thought it was. My head started to feel light and relief seemed to wash over me. He gave me a recommendation to see a counselor at LDS Family Services.

It was the best thing I've ever done to help myself.

I'll admit that at the time, I thought my couselor would help me change my orientation. I was wrong, but what she did help me realize was that I was not a filthy person, I was not hated by God and that I was, in fact, a human being who deserved to be loved and to have every happiness possible. I also remember being *very* relieved when I met her and I wasn't attracted to her. That was one of my biggest fears. Who would be able to talk to their counselor about being gay when they're attracted to them?? I know I wouldn't be able to. I'll also admit that I was sooooo nervous when I went. I remember filling out some forms with my parents and I had forgotten to fill out the back of one of the forms. When the receptionist handed it back to me to finish, my dad said jokingly "You failed!" and I burst into tears. I know my dad was joking (and I admit that I have his sense of humor) but he didn't know that failing was my biggest fear. I was so afraid of failing "God," my parents and my church, that that joke struck the rawest nerve inside me.

I can say without a doubt that counseling changed my life. I read a book while in counseling called "In Quiet Desperation" (By Ty Mansfield and Fred/Marilyn Matis) that just struck a comforting chord with me. I devoured that book, and wept when I realized that I was not alone and that the depression I'd struggled with was a normal side effect. If I could meet the authors of this book, I would just simply say "Thank you." It is a small to medium size book that deals with a heavy subject. Every person I've given it to has been unable to finish it, but I realize that they've been unable to do so because it is, quite simply, a sad book. That's why I loved it so much; it captured the anguish I'd felt for so many years in such an eloquent way. If anyone has the opportunity to pick it up, I highly recommed it.

After I left the counseling sessions, I emerged a better person. Not because I was "changed" but because I knew I wasn't alone and that it wasn't something I should be ashamed of. Because of my Bishop, my counselor and my parents, I have grown from a depressed, guilt-riddled child to a happier, more well rounded adult. (Well, as "well rounded" as I can be. To those who know me personally, I know, I'm an oddball.) The reason I've written all this is for multiple reasons; as a form of catharticism, to finally put down my story (however meager the details may be and which I know is only half-over) and to (in a sense) get this "off my chest." I hope what you've read has been clear and has broadened the understanding of those who aren't gay and has brought hope and comfort to those who are. I know I've referred to Heavenly Father as "God" (purposely with the " " marks), but that was to show a distinction between my relationship with my Heavenly Father now and my relationship with "God" then. Now I know Heavenly Father loves me, but when I was struggling with my sexuality, Heavenly Father was "God" then, some unknown, uncaring being who didn't want anything to do with me. So, when ever you see ' "God" ' like that, it's to show that my thinking or reasoning at the time was that I was dealing with a bitter deity. When you see "Heavenly Father," it's because I view Him now as a merciful, kind and loving Creator who will always love us no matter what.

Anyhoo, I know this is a bit long, so I'll stop now. If anyone has any questions or comments, feel free to ask/post them. God bless you all!

Kelsey :)

Oh, one final thing...

Please, please, PLEASE, do *not* leave unkind comments to other readers (if I even have any...) or try to start a debate. I didn't create this blog to start debates, I started it for the reasons listed above. Thank you!