Expectations

I don't know why exactly, but I feel like my heart is on the verge of exploding with all the emotions that are inside of me. I'm filled with the desires of wanting to fly around the world in my cape and save everyone from their hurts and boo-boos. I'm filled with the angst of wanting to hold someone's hand and wanting to be the right person, at the right time, in the right place. Being this open is scary; I suppose people could ridicule me for laying my feelings out for everyone to see, but I'm tired of covering up. I also know that other people feel (or have felt) the same way I do.

To be honest, right now I'm torn between my desire to do what I think is right and my desire to love someone wholly and completely, to give myself to someone and let them love me or break me.

I love my church, it's a huge part of me. I know how it's made me feel and I love the feeling of... Contentment I get from it. I love experiencing the feeling that I can only describe as that quiet moment, when the only thing that seems to exist is a gentle, cool breeze and the sun, everything having ceased to exist for a moment in my mind. I call those my "spring moments" because I feel a sense of renewal. A sense of life beckoning me to live, to really live. Most of all, I feel a sense of peace that maybe this world isn't as terrible as I sometimes feel like it is.

But I must also admit that I'd love to know how it feels to hold someone's hand, to be the one that makes their stomach flip when I'm around. I'd like to experience the thrill of a new relationship and I'd love to be able to tell someone that I need them. I'd love for them to need me as well.

So that right there is the fine wire I'm balancing right now; life in my church (which I hold dear to me) or a life with companionship. Before I start to close my post here, I just want to leave people with this question...

Would you be willing to give up life (and all that it encompasses) with your significant other for your religion?

I'm not asking that out of bitterness, but because I want people to truly consider what's being asked of gay LDS people. People don't seem to understand that "celibacy" for a straight Mormon is different than for a gay Mormon. Celibacy for gay Mormons doesn't just entail no sexual relations, it also entails no hand holding, hugging, kissing, flirting or that deep, intimate and emotional bond with someone.

So I ask again; Would you be willing to give up life with your significant other?

Please don't confuse my asking this question or my explanations as me doubting my church; I do believe in and love my religion. I just want people to get a glimpse of the balancing act that gay Mormons experience.

I know this post was rather... Gushy and probably really uncomfortable for many to read (if any do). Maybe it even comes off as melodramatic and cheesy. But that's ok, because I'd rather lay my feelings on the line than keep holding them inside.

Kelsey :)